Dear BF,
Let me begin with an obvious confession: no one understands you as I do.
Because of this, I’ve been writing a book to aid people to understand you. I’m yet to come up with a title, but yes, it won’t be for sale. I suggest you occasionally read them out in a national broadcast during your leisure time.
Below, I copied and pasted an excerpt, just for you.
“…when the new sheriff came to town, and unlike the old sheriff, I discovered we shared a lot in common. Not to mention but a few, He had at least failed two presidential campaigns. Same with me. He’s 78. I was also 78 at the time. Or 87.
I’m not also forgetting to mention my vice, Banjo. Aside from his job description of sharing condolences, going to the market or errands, and other petty stuff, I must say I’ve been lucky to have him – he speaks better English and does this PR of a thing, most especially with anything Moni, better than I do.
They were a time or better put, an allegation, that we were to pay Allah ₦100 billion to stop killing and kidnapping us. These killers and kidnappers were alleged to be emotionally attached to me. But then, come to think of it, 100bn for security or 65bn to ASUU, if one payment has to be delayed, which could you’ve gone for? Asides from that, everyone loves Suya. I buy it on my way back home after a stressful day, I know you do too. We also buy for loved ones while going for visits. It’s proven old and young tastes for it. Hence, it’s safe to say suya is not only a common national word but one of the unifying factors in our diversity. Therefore, because of its national importance, it’s either you’re for suya or against suya. As for me, I’m for suya.”
…to be continued
PS: I know you can’t wait to see a video of my turning self into a black silhouette against a seductive red background in the red light when you come online later tonight. I can’t wait too. Until I write you again, don’t forget to stay hydrated and wear lip gloss.
Yours BF ( Twitter )